Guess who’s back? Back again! Sassy’s back, tell your colleagues!
This week I am going to shoot the elephant in the room by answering Will’s question “Is Mobility a plus or a must for a research career?” Now I know I have already answered a similar question some time ago, but a changing world requires an updated saucy answer.
Disclaimer: The reflections presented here reflect my perspective grounded in my own experience (#TheUltimateTruth), so beat it!
Dear Will,
how can I write this diplomatically? Mobility to a research career is like water to fish, a vital necessity! And get this: it is so essential to academic success that we haven’t imposed enough of it yet. Because let’s face it, ground-breaking research cannot – I repeat: C A N N O T – happen by staying put and stuck to one’s chair! Like astrophysicists travelling across the galaxy every few months to conduct fieldwork on Earth-like planets, we, geoscientists, MUST travel the whole wide Earth to have a look at every single piece of rock we can get our hands on.
Wait… you did not know that? Where the heck have you been these past few decades? And the 9-month vacation you had in your mom’s belly at the beginning of your life is no excuse! You were there for way too long anyway! Let’s get you on a plane this instant! Spread your wings! Live Life for Earth’s sake! If you were to chip in by flying regularly across continents from time to time, we would not be in this situation! Those sweet greenhouse gases are not going to get released to the atmosphere on their own. And we are already lagging! It is time to start giving if we want to screw the planet by 2030!
Figure 1: Flying over the world is perfectly safe to screw the planet!
And do not get me started on the fun of moving your whole family from country to country every few months! Reminds me how innocent I once was in the good old days when I was bullied from institute to institute, blown from short-term position to shorter-term positions, restricting myself to moving across just one country! Once I got my first international mobility grant, I knew I’d struck gold. Finally, a way to dump my partner in style and drag it lengthily, painfully over a full 3 years. What is the correct expression for this? Similar to ‘bittersweet’ but not quite… Got it: ‘Sweet’!
My first advice: prepare! Save enough money before this once-in-a-lifetime mobility fellowship starts so that you can afford all the moves and (if applicable) move your partner and children with you. You want everyone to join in the fun. After all, what could possibly go wrong? However, funding entities generally do not match your family financial needs: you get the same whether you have a partner or a partner and 3 kids. First and foremost: Equality for all! Plus no one asked you to overpopulate the planet!
Once you (and your family?) get to Dreamland, it is time to go shaking hands and patting shoulders with all your new colleagues at your new temporary partypl… workplace! You got a mobility fellowship, so you’ve got to enjoy it! Bonus: if you shake (hands) long and swiftly enough, you might get your name on a couple of (drumrolls) Nature or Science papers written by someone else’s student! After all, why do your own work when you can delegate it to the next generation (Greene & Elffers, 2020)? You also might want to throw in a few nights out with your new colleagues, especially those with active funding and positions of power, basically the gentlepeopliticians. Hey, I never said it would be easy!
Figure 2: Sassy delegating. #bestbossever #partytime
And do not forget to attend as many in-person meetings, workshops, conferences, field trips, and cruises abroad as possible (#moreshoulderpatting #booze #timeofffamily #perfectrecipe). You would not want to run into your family too often, would you?
This is how things get done! Who needs useless emails and hard work to achieve anything? Is it not better to waste time travelling, moving, and in meetings than ruin your precious health working hard? By the way, when would you even have time to do any of the work you proposed in your project proposal? Remember that you need to move your family at least twice (but preferably more), attend conferences and fieldworks, go to the office every day, eat, sleep (1/3 total fellowship), factor in nights out with local colleagues (plus/minus fights with partner and kids), more international conferences and workshops to get some rest (e.g., from work and family duties), and 4–6-week vacations. Not much time left there, ain’t it?
Anyway, you do NOT want to publish ground-breaking science. It demolishes hard-fought alliances and opportunities for free, tag-along papers (i.e., papers you just put your name on once they are ready to submit). Groundbreaking findings also always end up killing the cow(s) (i.e., outdated and well accepted topics) you could milk for several easy, unremarkable papers for your future promotion to (Assistant) Professor. Conclusion, scientific progress is the enemy of research and researchers!
Let us face it, this is far easier and more enjoyable than working hard, publishing numerous ground-breaking papers, saving the planet, taking risks and having the courage to “discuss” critical issues in existing models… correction: interpretation of existing models… second erratum: the ultimate truth, and (if it applies to you) spending time with your partner and raising your kids to be honest, resilient human beings, right?
How dreadful was the corona pandemic… this mischievous virus which forced us to stay at home, spend time with our beloved partner, children, flatmates and almost tricked us in adapting to a new way of life and learning from our past mistakes. Nice try Coronavirus! Or should I say Flopovirus!
And don’t you dare tell me that the corona pandemic was the most productive and peaceful time of your life! Are you autistic and do not do well in crowded, noisy settings? Do you think differently? Have you been bullied by a senior colleague? Perfect! The system has a simple solution: stop being inconveniently different! You cannot possibly ask the institution or system to change. You need to fit in a square box if you want to live a long, luxurious academic life. Eggs, after all, are among the last things to resist the squareness of our capitalistic world. By the way, this is now considered one of the most significant factors to explain the downfall of the dinosaurs. No efficiency and no sense of equality, they hadn’t.
Figure 3: COVID-30 has no chance against 2030 humans. I guess we did learn from our past mistakes after all!
In short, yes, mobility is A B S O L U T E L Y necessary for a research career, and I think we are not going far enough yet and should make it mandatory! Plus I am sure your mediocre work ethic and outstanding ability to network, socialise and take credit will fit a mobility grant (and a permanent academic position) nicely.
So, my dear Will, don’t be fooled in quitting now, cuz the academic ride just keeps getting better! Remember you are waging war against scientific progress, humankind, your loved ones, and all life in general. So good luck! We all count on you!
Truthfully yours,
Will B. Sassy (or was I?)
References Greene R, Elffers J: The 48 Laws of Power. Penguin Books, New York, New York, USA. 2020.
